Started a new book

It's two ideas combined. One is the conservatory debacle that happened to me that left me unable to write music for multiple decades. All bitter and angry about it, too. I fixed that this year. That's all part of the story.

The other part is the way that studying an artist can turn you into an inadvertent expert on them, such that imposters following you on social media are obvious because they would never use that color heart OMG, also sure they make grammatical errors but not that kind. 

Both things are sort of out there psychologically, aren't they? But they combine to fix each other and let the person come out of it much better off.

I also invented this character who's so annoying that he's actually entertaining me a lot. The annoying ex! This person is WILD and makes me laugh. 

Her best friends are excellent. They are sick of hearing about prosaic chord progressions, just like everyone who has to listen to me rant about it. Like I just started listening to Amble a lot and I love them but seriously the prosaic chords. I know, it's part of the genre or whatever, but still. 

I am definitely spoiled by my conservatory-trained brain and by my target artist obsession's conservatory-trained brain. Well, I was trained for a little while, before they made it super clear I was not welcome because female. Those gross pigs.

Hahaha. It's fine. I'm supposedly over it! But I'm going to tap into it for this book. She's going to get so mad about it. You know how people don't allow themselves to be mad about things? Well, of course she has a dysfunctional upbringing! It's one of my books! 

I started it yesterday and it just flew along. That's because there are two or three mighty engines behind it. 

Still have to rewrite The Third Daughter, ideally before going back to work on the 5th or 6th or whenever it is. I haven't decided. And I'm super sick now with a respiratory thing, which is what I get for Going Places and Doing Things. Family time! (Sitting on the floor with the dogs the whole time, obviously.) Out with imaginary friends! Then out to hear live music that wasn't great but so what!

They really got me with this one, boy. It's all in my chest and breathing is difficult. 

I also worked on two songs yesterday. Three? I started writing the song of The Esker Road which yay good job is so heart-wrenching it kills you dead, then worked more on the song Fly Away which was written for SOMEONE and features my best music possibly ever, like I actually said "exquisite!" out loud, which is embarrassing, also I wrote that part last fall, who even knows why it's so good, but it is absolutely lovely so I'll put it all together and make a finished song out of it one of these days. 

It's an odd piece on the page because there was a tune and a chorus and then this wildly bad orchestration supporting it at the beginning, then much better later on, then the chorus orchestrated two different ways, one good, one (as mentioned) exquisite. I don't know where the words are for this. I mean, I do. In my Notes app and in a words for songs file on the laptop. I just don't remember it.

Anyway I have to make changes to The Esker Road song that gives much more space to the lyrics. Listening to Amble made me realize that. My personal involuntary mentor/object of musical obsession does not leave as much space around the lines. Well, in some songs. Unknown for example. 

He's so good. Today a new previously unseen photo appeared and was immediately posted across every form of social media, so funny. The thing I like best is how I get an absolute surge of good brain chemicals any time I see this person. Like a RUSH of them. And this photo is his back and his side as he's hunched over a guitar, hair up in a beanie, same old wool shirt. I love how he always wears the same things. Truly love that. Like it's a character trait you might give to a book character. It tells you a lot about someone. You might not even know this is him unless you KNOW this is him. 

I went out to lunch at a place Monday because I saw someone who looked sort of like him going there--obviously was not him, wrong hair, wrong everything, like a knockoff version, but that was enough. See above re: how this makes you kind of insane. But like in a good way? Happier? Happier. So much happier!

My character has to be a miserable thwarted composer nanny at the beginning and unthwart herself. 

May we all unthwart ourselves in the coming year. 

Every single time I open up MuseScore and write music and hear it it's like an actual goddamn miracle has occurred, like I got the ability to walk back, or to see or hear or speak. Like an absolutely essential part of my being has been returned to me.

And I know my imaginary involuntary mentor didn't DO it. But he kind of did do it by existing and being so awesome. 

There's a reason I have posters of him all over the house and wear the t-shirts almost every day. 

New book might be called Imposter Syndrome. 

My tea is getting cold. Gotta go.